In the end...

In the end, we decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it.
-Randy K. Milholland

Here's to a new year!

tell me

Wednesday Want

I want...

This dress. Ahh! Want it!!!

How perfect would this be for New Years Eve?

Then again, maybe not... Last year's adorable Website Want turned out disastrously disappointing!

What was on the site and what came in the mail were two completely different things - one sexy & cute, the other was trashy & uncomfortable. It wasn't glittery, it wasn't even sequiny ... it was made up of big plastic pieces which maybe shined a little at certain angles. Ugh.

I didn't even wear it like I was planning to for New Year's Eve because it was so awful. I ended up wearing a shirt I had forever ... We went to a house party last year with mostly strangers to me (boyfriend's friends), so it's not like they had seen the shirt before anyway.

Hope you all are enjoying the holiday!

house sitting

I am currently house sitting for my friend, Karen, while she is away at Best Friends for the holiday. I really don't house sit much anymore - I have Matt, our pets, 2 jobs, the farm (my parents'), etc ... but I really like Karen's crew! Right now, the crew is a little smaller than usual - just Lyle, the ancient Basset, Montana, the big German Shepherd boy and Mack, the sweetest, most lovable pit you can imagine. The last time I house sat for Karen, she said of Mack something along the lines of: It's a shame so many people think bad things about pit bulls. Mack is such a love! And a fighter? Usually if anyone gets upset with one another here, Mack's the first to run out of the room and away" :)

Website Want Wednesday

I want this dress!!

Too cute! FYI it's apparently by Nina Ricci.

Caturday post

Roo was the original Christmas tree cat ... the first cat we had that tried to conquer the Christmas tree.

Miss you, Roo baby. RIP

Tea Tuesday

Mmm, Happy Holidays!!

Tea Tuesday is reminder to you too, my friends and wanderers that found your way here. Remember that all the good you do won't get done if you're not around or if you aren't properly taking care of yourself. So, please, take a minute to relax with me at some point today.

caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party pt 3

I had an announcement to make today, but that's been put on hold for now. Oh well. Hopefully soon I can make that caregiving announcement and bring a little more help in. Continuing on with caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party all the same...

Going through the motions of a loved one being sick enough to need a caregiver is not easy on anyone, let alone the caregiver. The stress can so easily be overlooked, can overshadow good things going on or morph into some big, ugly, green giant. These aren't easy on anyone involved in general.

I had so much more I wanted to say, but I just can't tonight. I'm not even home caregiving and yet I'm completely burnt out. Ugh. I'm sorry everyone. Maybe I'll add more later.

Happy blogging.

caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party pt 2

Continuing on with caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party and posting, I'll add some information on my dad that is pretty new to me still...

He gained 5 lbs thanks to my sister's new habit of feeding him almost every hour. Unlike other FTD patients who gain weight, my dad has been losing it - drastically! This happened a couple years ago too, it was actually one of the reasons we really pressed to get a diagnosis. He's down to 175 lb now (he was 170) and bloodwork, body scans, a scope, etc. have not given us any answers. Feeding him every hour (and pretty good size meals too - like Shell will make him a loaded sandwich and soup) is the only thing helping, but it's expensive! I can only imagine the food bill ... who'd think you could LITERALLY be eaten out of house and home?!

Also, the study that my dad has been a part of for the last 3 1/2 years is no longer going to see him anymore. Through this program, my dad had pretty frequent visits to a neuro/FTD specialist at the University of Penn every 3 - 6 months. They did testing during Also, once a month a med student was out asking my dad questions for the study. I remember some of the testing they did with him while I was there was something like a photo with some birds in a tree and on the ground and they'd ask my dad how many birds were in the tree to see if he answered that correctly or just answered how many birds he could see in general. They'd also ask him say the word to identify things in a photo. They were also always available for questions, suggestions on increasing/decreasing meds or helping us identify FTD symptoms.

I guess my dad has now progressed to the point that he is no longer assisting in the study. He doesn't really answer questions much anymore and when he does, you're not even sure if it's the right answer to the question you asked. At his appointment the other day, my mom said when my dad was asked what day it was, he answered something like April 1998 (not sure on the exact month, but yea - 1998!). The doctor also said that it is very obvious and very quick that my dad becomes anxious over answering questions now. What a shame...

I'm not sure what this means for my dad's future care. I was under the impression that the med students coming out once a month, the meds, the appointments at the U of P, the MRIs and such were all extended to us and my dad for free because of this study. If that's the case, I'm not sure what my dad's current insurance covers and that's concerning...

caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party pt 1

As I've explained in a previous post, I am not home caring for my dad all the time anymore. I live mostly with my boyfriend ... though I will not admit that since I only really have 2 drawers and I hate the place, the people, the (lack of) property, etc. He does too though so I can't really say anything to him about it.

All the same, I did not want to miss out on caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party! I had such a wonderful time participating last year and became involved with so many wonderful people, like Denise and GJ.

I did stop home today - mostly to take care of the cats. I did see my dad, but he was pretty much focused on either food (Michelle was in the kitchen) or sitting in his room. Sometimes when no one is there, I'll make my dad stand around in the room with me while I take care of the cats and I'll talk to him. That didn't happen today though.

Brief post, but the day is almost done, so goodnight, goodnight! :)

YummMonday: Mushroom Stew w/ Rosemary Mashed Potatoes

I had to add this delicious sounding recipe:
Autumn Mushroom Stew with Rosemary Mashed Potatoes

Doesn't it just sound delicious?! I haven't had the chance to make it yet to give you a review, but I can confidently say that very soon I'll be buying the ingredients to test out this yummy sounding dish

...

Silence in all sections. There's been few posts here and just about no blog posts on Connie's Corner (the farm blog).
I haven't been there much, the farm that is.

I saw this quote today though and hope that some day soon the ladies of my family all feel like this "I must be a real farmer now since I found myself capable of such a practical decision to make myself an independent woman. This is my farm, and I am home…..and I am happy."

YummMonday: Cheesy Wild Rice Casserole

For Thanksgiving, I experimented with a new recipe I came across: Cheesy Wild Rice Casserole

Ok, granted, everything's not from scratch, but it was still an excellent recipe that I could also make without soy since one of our little guests has an allergy to that.

This came out really well and I got a lot of compliments on it, so I'd definitely suggest trying it.

Notes if you're making this:
- I did NOT thaw the frozen spinach
- I mixed A LOT - there's no real instruction to do this, but I did. I mixed the spice pack up in the casserole dish with the rice & mushrooms, I mixed the water/spinach combination in the pan while it was cooking and I mixed them all together in the dish before I put it in the oven & then again when I checked on it halfway through
- I added the cream cheese then the water mixture to the casserole dish with the plan of softening the cream cheese so it'd be easier to mix everything together before putting it in the oven - I did not add the "prepared mustard" noted in the steps to make this dish. It was not listed in the ingredients section, so I didn't have it when I went to make it, so I didn't add it.

I'm not sure how it would come out since I've yet to have the chance of using this recipe again, but I think next time I'm going to use more mushrooms and more spinach since those are some of my favorite things.

be happy

YummMonday: Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread

At the special request of my cousin, Gretch, I'm going to repeat a recipe this Thanksgiving that I made for the first time last year - Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread

It was delicious last year, although not as good as Gretch's pumpkin hummus, but still. I'm sure it'll be great again. Just need to locate some crackers/bread without soy in them for the little man that's visiting. Cannot wait to see my CT babies (and c & d too)!! :)

Website Want Wednesday

Look how fancy and nice:

Bet this would be fun ... and so I want it :)

This is actually on my wishlist: http://amzn.com/w/3RGWAPQSZBS6M

Today at Work

Today while at work, I asked an older man something along the lines of if he was finding everything he needed alright. He was looking at cat collars (he had looked at a shiny silver/black collar and he was handling a blue plaid one) and the man said no, that "I don't even need this stuff" - a bunch of cat treats and cat food. It was in a joking manner, not a mean one.

As he walked away, he turned to me and added, "My wife said to me: "Everyone else's cats have fancy collars, so here I am" and he jokingly threw his hands up.

I couldn't help but smile.

I hope in 40 years, the guy I marry is so sweet to me (and the cats) that he'll go out to look at sparkly cat collars upon my (silly) request. :)

Website Want Wednesday

Oh, I want, I want, I want... a barn like this in the backyard : (lake included, of course)

And prepare yourself for a double want this Wednesday because with the above, I also want: This would be a room in the barn, of course - like a cool guest room/space.

Wouldn't that be awesome?!

Want, want, want :)

caring

Tonight I jumped in on the caregiving.com conversation going on (http://www.caregiving.com/2011/10/what-advice-would-you-give-to-a-burnt-out-family-caregiver/). Like the last time I jumped in, it was actually quite random and last minute that I saw on Twitter that it was going on.

I cannot begin to say how truly nice those ladies are. It's just so comforting to listen to them, let alone take part - no tshirt or tote bag necessary, ladies ... although I do love your pens ;o)

I take comfort in the topics they discuss and lessons they seem to be learning every day (wish my mom could/would find the time to explore the site). I read the blogs on the site when I can too - although I haven't found a lot of time recently. I cannot deny that it's probably not just work that has been taking up my time ... I believe my depression is still involved. I believe I am not caring for a lot of my personal contacts and valued relations for reasons which I really don't want to dig up much more than to say to let them slip away now makes me less associated and less likely to get hurt. Rational? Right? No and no. However, I think that is going on at some level.

Anyway, so I chimed in tonight via the chatroom going on during the discussion. The comment about the difficulty in trying to find someone to relate with/confide in among those my age really hit home. The closest I have come are discussions with those caring for their young children ... even that is difficult though. They have the important task of shaping new lives, figuring out how to properly teach them about life and lessons in it. Caregiving for my dad is not going to get better, I have nothing to "teach" as he is not learning. He is regressing.

To be entirely honest though, my caregiving role has greatly changed in my family. I have had a boyfriend of more than a year now and two jobs with schedules that are constantly changing (and often odd hours). I can no longer be relied on to be a caregiver.

I wish I could get home more. I wish I had more good moments with him ... but I need to remember to take care of myself too and with two jobs, I usually feel pretty wiped out pretty quickly. What time I do have off, I spend mostly resting.

I can't deny I like this change/lack of responsibility too though. Among other things, not being at home much has made my dad glad to see me.

However, being able to step away has unleashed different feelings for me as well - tougher ones. Mostly I am referring to the fact that I cry every time I'm alone with my dad. This used to just happen when we were in a car alone together and I assumed the physical nearness, but overwhelming aloneness I felt was the cause. Perhaps that's what it is now too ... just all the time.

In a way, his lack of being emotionally present allows me to just cry and not care that it's in front of him since he doesn't care. I cry and I apologize for crying and I tell him I'm crying because I miss him.

Less time there also means I am a bit better with my patience and my creativity with our time together. I'll ask him to watch a movie because who cares if he grinds his teeth or gets up to walk away a lot - it's only for an hour or so and not something I've been putting up with for days.

I also always try to tell him I love him before I leave and get a hug. These are things I rarely did towards the end of my time where I was primarily with him. What was the point? He never said it back. The least effort from him is an "Ok" and wave when I say I love him and I'm leaving. On rare occasions though, he's really hugged me back and one time a couple weeks ago he said he loved me back. Of course, he'll probably never say it again since I promptly started bawling my eyes out lol but still... Again, I used my words and didn't care what I said since there'd be no judgement - "I'm sorry I'm crying," I said. "You just haven't said that in a very long time." I hugged him again.

On that note, I'm ending this post. 

Website Want Wednesday

I want this shirt!


I love it so much, it's actually on my wishlist: http://amzn.com/w/3RGWAPQSZBS6M

Caregiving Talk

So last night, I thought I would end up in a meeting, but I was home and caught the Caregiving.Com "talk show." I was so excited to actually be able to listen in. Denise was asking "What do you know about dementia that the World doesn't?" I was just listening, but after hearing G-J talk, I was inspired to call as well. Why not, right?

I tried to keep it light, I tried to be optimistic. I focused on the wonderful party we had recently and not all the other stuff that's had me down. These ladies are so sweet, they seem so together and so, I don't know, determined to make it all work. That's really inspiring. I was so excited to make an attempt at being a part of that...

Listen to internet radio with Denise Brown on Blog Talk Radio

Happy 30th Anniversary

Today marks my parents' 30th wedding anniversary.

30 years ago, my parents got married on their farm in South Jersey (not far from where we are now, actually) with lots of friends and family around. They had the ceremony and celebration there. They were happy, you can see it.

This exciting anniversary is not something my mom was really looking forward to quite the same as "normal" couples would. My dad's condition makes him essentially emotionally absent all together. These days he spends a lot of time in his room, maybe some time outside wandering and he doesn't talk much unless you prompt him with questions. It's just so sad, especially since he was such a caring guy...

Anyway, a few months ago while trying to figure out what we could do for our mom, my sister suggested we throw a party for my mom to help her celebrate ... a surprise party!

We put together invitations quickly - I had some good photos scanned and we put words together for the invitations. We put together lists of people to invite to the party and another list: a list of people we'd ask to send cards. The card list was mostly for people that were a distance away or we weren't sure if they could make it to the party. Then, our aunt, my mom's sister, was nice enough to print all the invites out for us.

Aside from some glitches, which I'm just going to not acknowledge here, I've got to say the whole day was a huge success thanks to some very helpful family members, a lot of family friends and a little bit of fate too, I think :) I think my mom was definitely surprised, the food people brought (the party was a potluck) was all so delicious and everyone seemed a have such a good time.

The people that came were just so nice and so helpful. Everyone was excited and sitting around. There were some really good stories going around too, of my parents, the day they were married (there were several people there that had been at their wedding, including my mom's maid of honor and our friends from Florida) and some great stories about my dad.

Speaking of him, I say fate (or luck) because my dad was just remarkably like his old self. It was incredible! We had lined the driveway to surprise my parents when they got home (figuring the cars in the driveway would be a give away if not lol) and my dad got out, smiling and started shaking hands and hugging people. It was nuts!!

And it didn't stop there! Dad barely bothered with food, which we had arranged so that there would be a distance away so we'd be able to catch him trying to sneak any food. He was even good about all the coolers filled with soda and water all over the yard. You'd never know we need to keep the fridge, cabinets and anything remotely edible (including dog treats) locked away. Dad didn't even hide in his room, instead he spent several hours playing bocce ball and then several hours sitting around with friends while they talked.

It was such a nice day and now, it's the 19th, their actual anniversary (we celebrated early since it was a surprise party)...

Happy Anniversary, mom & dad.
Thank you for being such a great example together for so many years.

It was a dark and stormy night... And we were headed out to take Muppy to her first puppy training class. Oh my!

sweaters

I like sweaters and this is a cute photo.
So, I'm randomly adding it to the blog :)

A Decade

MSNBC is currently airing all their footage from the morning of 9/11/01. It is still unbelievable that it happened at all, let alone that it has already been a whole decade. 

Like many, I can tell you where I was - I was a senior in highschool in homeroom and my douchebag home room teacher (he really was. Serious neapolitan complex) wouldn't let us turn on the news to see what was going on. So, I quickly rushed off to my next class - something in the chorus room. Maybe theater appreciation? I don't know. I was in that room quite a lot. We watched it the whole time there. We watched the second plane hit and went through the motions of "This isn't some awful accident. This is being done on purpose." Serita was in that class/room with me and she was so upset over family she had never the trade centers. I think I was mostly in shock. I still am just re-watching the video from 10 years ago today and still am. As news continued that day in 2001, we all became concerned for more bad things ... was Philly going to be hit? What about nuclear plants? There's one right in Salem! And I guess I didn't really know I was holding my breath either until it all rushed out of me when the towers actually began to collapse. Ugh!

In the days to come, more sad news... when I was a super young swimmer, we had a great program on our team where some of the older swimmers helped the younger ones. My "helper" had been Nicole and she was just about the sweetest girl you can imagine! She's super nice, friendly, had a great smile and just a wonderful personality. Her brother was a lot like her. I had only met him a handful of times (he wasn't a swimmer), but there was something special about him, like Nicole. You just couldn't meet them and not be totally overwhelmed with their goodness. 

Unfortunately, as it turned out, Nick had been in the second tower that day and that just made it so much more real - the loss of such an amazingly wonderful person (all those people) that I had met and all the things they must have gone through that terrifying morning. To this day, an annual event is held in his memory. There's information on the Nicky Brandemarti Golf Tournament here.

On a last note, I'll add this - I was at one of Bruce Springsteen's opening shows in Jersey (right outside of NYC) in 2002 after releasing his most recent CD. The parking lot had been filled with flags on cars and posters referencing 9/11. This song and the audience that day ... To this day, it is absolutely one of the most spiritual events I have ever experienced. Here's Bruce Springsteen singing "The Rising":


There's a deep sadness and loss that even a decade hasn't completely healed and will not be forgotten. So sad...

Wednesday Want

For serious!

I hope any kids I have are at least half this cool: After the 'Cane

:)

Got word that tests seem to show that my dad's ridiculous weight loss is NOT cancer. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that...

Website Want Wednesday

Fun kitchen?
I think so! I like the space, the colors, the wood, etc. I really like this. I'd want it in my home.

irene

Flashlights set out around the house, cat room cleaned, dishes washed, laundry done, batteries, candles, extra towels out (for when the dogs go out & need to be dried off), oil lamp filled, boards over the questionable windows, lots of water (in coolers, pans, bottles, buckets, bath tub, etc), food cooked, trail mix stored up, towels down under the leaks in the kitchen ceiling ... I think we're as ready as we can be.

Everyone, please stay safe today, tonight & tomorrow!

Website Want Wednesday

I hear this book is great:

And so, it's something else on my wishlist: href="http://amzn.com/w/3RGWAPQSZBS6M">http://amzn.com/w/3RGWAPQSZBS6M

Tea Tuesday

Ahh, in honor of our NC trip a few months ago, I'm posting peace tea.

I found this while we were road trippin down to our friends' farm.

Coincidentally, my mom and sister are down there at our friend's farm right now. They're due back late tomorrow night.

Tea Tuesday is reminder to you too, my friends and wanderers that found your way here. Remember that all the good you do won't get done if you're not around or if you aren't properly taking care of yourself. So, please, take a minute to relax with me at some point today.

Website Want Wednesday

Look how neat!

This would be awesome in a sun room or little green house.

Tea Tuesday

Tea Tuesday is reminder to you too, my friends and wanderers that found your way here. Remember that all the good you do won't get done if you're not around or if you aren't properly taking care of yourself. So, please, take a minute to relax with me at some point today.

Website Want Wednesday

want this kinda joy...

Tea Tuesday

Tea Tuesday is reminder to you too, my friends and wanderers that found your way here. Remember that all the good you do won't get done if you're not around or if you aren't properly taking care of yourself. So, please, take a minute to relax with me at some point today.

Website Want Wednesday

It's no secret that boyfriend likes cabins and this would be a fun cabin for us to have when we're rich ;)

And for our cabin in the woods ... I'd like this room:

Doesn't that bed look comfy?! And all that space and light. I like it! Hell, I'd be happy if it was just this room and a kitchen lol

Tea Tuesday

Someone needs a better strainer :)

How's your Tea Tuesday going?

Tea Tuesday is reminder to you too, my friends and wanderers that found your way here. Remember that all the good you do won't get done if you're not around or if you aren't properly taking care of yourself. So, please, take a minute to relax with me at some point today.

Rough Week

We lost Champ and Kyleigh this week. Champ, one of our garage cats, we found under a tree by the lake. Kyleigh we made the hardest decision for us (but best for her) - to put her to sleep before she suffered any more.

I have no words for the heart ache myself and my mom & sister are feeling. One is too much, two is awful...

I'll post more later, but for now I'd like to post this for them:

Beyond The Rainbow

As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,
I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade.
I saw a wondrous image then of a place that's trouble-free
Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.

I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, and on the other side
Were meadows rich and beautiful -- lush and green and wide!
And running through the meadows as far as the eye could see
Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be!
My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new
And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do.

I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright
That this place is truly wonderful, then a bright Glow pierced the night.
Twas the Glow of many Candles shining bright and strong and bold
And I knew then that it held your love in its brilliant shades of gold.

For although we may not be together in the way we used to be,
We are still connected by a cord no eye can see.
So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart
If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your heart.

RIP Champ
RIP Kyleigh
You are sorely missed!

s

R.I.P. Champ

I'm back dating this to when he passed...

It is hard to believe it has only been three years since Champ joined our crew at the farm.

Champ came into Tabby's Place while I was still working there from a local business, Champion Tires. The business was already caring for several ferals and when two more were abandoned there, it was just too many, so they brought the two, one boy and one girl, over to Tabby's Place for us to intake. The boy, however, tested positive for FIV and the room their for FIV babies was already full (one cat too full, actually). Norman, my FIV+ feral, had recently lost his best friend, Buddy, and I thought maybe the FIV status and no room at Tabby's Place was a sign I should take this semi-feral boy to be Norman's new friend. With the permission of my mom, that's exactly what I did and I named the rough looking white cat with gray spots "Champion".

Ever since that day in June of '08, Champ really has been Norm's best bud. It was often pretty common that if you saw one, the other wasn't far away - in the leaves by the drive way, under a bush in the garden, in the garage or wandering the property - they really did become good friends.

This winter, I thought we were going to lose Champ. He was really snotty and although he was never a stunning cat, he seemed extra rough looking - not cleaning himself, gross nose, etc. However, I got him on some antibiotics and he really turned around. Since then, I'd be steadily pulling his mattes out. He'd talk sometimes in protest, but that was rare. He really was such a good boy...

Recently, Champ had been spending time in the leaves keeping cool with Norm, wandering the property, eating a lot and following Weenie around (she didn't appreciate his "puppy" love and would often smack him). I will say that having Weenie out during the day gave me some really good nights recently. I'd go out to find her and in order: Diamond, Champ and then Norman would show up. I'd give them all an extra handful of food and some pets if they wanted them. I loved this nights (aside from the moments of worrying where Weenie was until she'd show up to go in).

Champ got slow his last week or so. I thought his mouth was bothering him and I was really unsure of what to do. I couldn't decide if I should put him through the stress of taking him to the vet or just letting him be. He was so happy with Norm. I didn't want to upset him, stress him and maybe make things worse.

I found Champ's body under the pines on the hill down to the lake. Although I hate the thought of him passing without me assisting him by mercifully putting him to sleep, I like to think Norm was with Champ to the very end and he didn't pass alone.

Here's a collection of photos of Champ...

R.I.P. Champion...

Website Want Wednesday

Her hair!

It can be straight, curly, wavy like this ... I like the look of this hair. Kinda wild and very pretty, in my opinion.

Don't wanna jinx it...

I don't want to jinx it ... but this might by our (mine & Matt's) new foster (forever?) baby!!

This little girl is a 3 month old Goldendoodle that I came across on Facebook that needs rescuing. She is with a breeder right now who has bad intentions for her simply because of the fact she's not perfect. :(

Unfortunately (or fortunately for us!), this pup has a condition which will probably cause complete blindness at a very young age. It is in fact the same condition Kreacher the 4 earred kitten has. A real diagnosis is almost impossible until she's at least 6 months old though, so we'll be fostering her for a rescue until then to see if there's anything the rescue can do to correct her eyes.

Will keep you posted!

Dogs On Thursday