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Silence in all sections. There's been few posts here and just about no blog posts on Connie's Corner (the farm blog).
I haven't been there much, the farm that is.

I saw this quote today though and hope that some day soon the ladies of my family all feel like this "I must be a real farmer now since I found myself capable of such a practical decision to make myself an independent woman. This is my farm, and I am home…..and I am happy."

YummMonday: Cheesy Wild Rice Casserole

For Thanksgiving, I experimented with a new recipe I came across: Cheesy Wild Rice Casserole

Ok, granted, everything's not from scratch, but it was still an excellent recipe that I could also make without soy since one of our little guests has an allergy to that.

This came out really well and I got a lot of compliments on it, so I'd definitely suggest trying it.

Notes if you're making this:
- I did NOT thaw the frozen spinach
- I mixed A LOT - there's no real instruction to do this, but I did. I mixed the spice pack up in the casserole dish with the rice & mushrooms, I mixed the water/spinach combination in the pan while it was cooking and I mixed them all together in the dish before I put it in the oven & then again when I checked on it halfway through
- I added the cream cheese then the water mixture to the casserole dish with the plan of softening the cream cheese so it'd be easier to mix everything together before putting it in the oven - I did not add the "prepared mustard" noted in the steps to make this dish. It was not listed in the ingredients section, so I didn't have it when I went to make it, so I didn't add it.

I'm not sure how it would come out since I've yet to have the chance of using this recipe again, but I think next time I'm going to use more mushrooms and more spinach since those are some of my favorite things.

be happy

YummMonday: Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread

At the special request of my cousin, Gretch, I'm going to repeat a recipe this Thanksgiving that I made for the first time last year - Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread

It was delicious last year, although not as good as Gretch's pumpkin hummus, but still. I'm sure it'll be great again. Just need to locate some crackers/bread without soy in them for the little man that's visiting. Cannot wait to see my CT babies (and c & d too)!! :)

Website Want Wednesday

Look how fancy and nice:

Bet this would be fun ... and so I want it :)

This is actually on my wishlist: http://amzn.com/w/3RGWAPQSZBS6M

Today at Work

Today while at work, I asked an older man something along the lines of if he was finding everything he needed alright. He was looking at cat collars (he had looked at a shiny silver/black collar and he was handling a blue plaid one) and the man said no, that "I don't even need this stuff" - a bunch of cat treats and cat food. It was in a joking manner, not a mean one.

As he walked away, he turned to me and added, "My wife said to me: "Everyone else's cats have fancy collars, so here I am" and he jokingly threw his hands up.

I couldn't help but smile.

I hope in 40 years, the guy I marry is so sweet to me (and the cats) that he'll go out to look at sparkly cat collars upon my (silly) request. :)

Website Want Wednesday

Oh, I want, I want, I want... a barn like this in the backyard : (lake included, of course)

And prepare yourself for a double want this Wednesday because with the above, I also want: This would be a room in the barn, of course - like a cool guest room/space.

Wouldn't that be awesome?!

Want, want, want :)

caring

Tonight I jumped in on the caregiving.com conversation going on (http://www.caregiving.com/2011/10/what-advice-would-you-give-to-a-burnt-out-family-caregiver/). Like the last time I jumped in, it was actually quite random and last minute that I saw on Twitter that it was going on.

I cannot begin to say how truly nice those ladies are. It's just so comforting to listen to them, let alone take part - no tshirt or tote bag necessary, ladies ... although I do love your pens ;o)

I take comfort in the topics they discuss and lessons they seem to be learning every day (wish my mom could/would find the time to explore the site). I read the blogs on the site when I can too - although I haven't found a lot of time recently. I cannot deny that it's probably not just work that has been taking up my time ... I believe my depression is still involved. I believe I am not caring for a lot of my personal contacts and valued relations for reasons which I really don't want to dig up much more than to say to let them slip away now makes me less associated and less likely to get hurt. Rational? Right? No and no. However, I think that is going on at some level.

Anyway, so I chimed in tonight via the chatroom going on during the discussion. The comment about the difficulty in trying to find someone to relate with/confide in among those my age really hit home. The closest I have come are discussions with those caring for their young children ... even that is difficult though. They have the important task of shaping new lives, figuring out how to properly teach them about life and lessons in it. Caregiving for my dad is not going to get better, I have nothing to "teach" as he is not learning. He is regressing.

To be entirely honest though, my caregiving role has greatly changed in my family. I have had a boyfriend of more than a year now and two jobs with schedules that are constantly changing (and often odd hours). I can no longer be relied on to be a caregiver.

I wish I could get home more. I wish I had more good moments with him ... but I need to remember to take care of myself too and with two jobs, I usually feel pretty wiped out pretty quickly. What time I do have off, I spend mostly resting.

I can't deny I like this change/lack of responsibility too though. Among other things, not being at home much has made my dad glad to see me.

However, being able to step away has unleashed different feelings for me as well - tougher ones. Mostly I am referring to the fact that I cry every time I'm alone with my dad. This used to just happen when we were in a car alone together and I assumed the physical nearness, but overwhelming aloneness I felt was the cause. Perhaps that's what it is now too ... just all the time.

In a way, his lack of being emotionally present allows me to just cry and not care that it's in front of him since he doesn't care. I cry and I apologize for crying and I tell him I'm crying because I miss him.

Less time there also means I am a bit better with my patience and my creativity with our time together. I'll ask him to watch a movie because who cares if he grinds his teeth or gets up to walk away a lot - it's only for an hour or so and not something I've been putting up with for days.

I also always try to tell him I love him before I leave and get a hug. These are things I rarely did towards the end of my time where I was primarily with him. What was the point? He never said it back. The least effort from him is an "Ok" and wave when I say I love him and I'm leaving. On rare occasions though, he's really hugged me back and one time a couple weeks ago he said he loved me back. Of course, he'll probably never say it again since I promptly started bawling my eyes out lol but still... Again, I used my words and didn't care what I said since there'd be no judgement - "I'm sorry I'm crying," I said. "You just haven't said that in a very long time." I hugged him again.

On that note, I'm ending this post.