Monday, June 23, 2008

Rescuing more than just animals?

with Ravin:
her: what do you think would make you feel better then?
me: no idea ~ I don't like the traditional crazy relationships where you need to be together all the time ~ but I don't want him all about someone else either ~ I want to know he likes me ~ I'm not even asking for commitment, I just don't want him to be so damn nice if it's not sincere

Ok, aside from that, after one h*ll of a stressful, informative, crazy work day, I started crying in the shower tonight. How awful is that? I don't cry - this girl does NOT cry a lone. I'll cry in front of people if I'm overwhelmed with stress or something, but rarely do I bust out crying alone and I did that tonight. I had this awful, awful realization hit me and I just leaned against the wall in the shower and started sobbing. My work in "rescue" doesn't seem to stop with animals.

I thought animal rescue was something I fell into, was forced into in a way, was something that defined me and just recently got myself out of to make my own decision in what made me me ... but now it seems rescue is it. Even when it comes to the important relationships in my life, I seem to be around to "fix" people and then they leave me. I've done this since high school too with crushes and friends and people I was dating. I'm there for them, give advice when they need it, support them and then they move on to start something with someone else. It's not even technically ever a rebound because sometimes I am there from the the very beginning or before. H*ll, I even got my friend J out of this ridiculous relationship, kept him away from her (his ex-fiance) and now he's married to a great girl. I'm not saying I want to be married or even in a relationship. And I'm not saying J and I were ever in anyway destined or that's what I wanted from him, he's just a good example of the role I've played. M, C, S ... I just want to know why am I not the one any of them choose to be with??

I'm through rescuing people. I want to be through rescuing people and hurting myself. I can't keep investing so much of myself in people to have them leave. It's killing me.

I told someone there was the potential for me to like them and somehow they took it as a solid fact that I do like him. I fight those feelings like you wouldn't believe though cause I don't like getting hurt and I know how that's how it all ends at some point - me hurt. In fact, I'm trying awfully hard to avoid that and I think it's just making me b*tchy and cold. I feel like I haven't explained myself well, but then whenever I try to start it seems to be taken out of context. How am I supposed to say that you can say the right things and do the right things, but I still won't believe you like me? How can I say I don't want to be in a relationship not because I'm incapable of wanting someone like that in my life but because I don't trust well anymore? And how can I tell someone I'd prefer they just be a jerk so I don't set myself up to be hurt either??

I want more nights like Saturday - mindless fun! :) That was such a ridiculous night in oh so many ways. Shame I went to sleep almost crying. I'm not getting into that - let's just say "friends" shouldn't play on your weaknesses to try to get what they want from you. No means no, man, and you really disappointed me. Hopefully this Saturday will be even more fun and maybe I'll even find me some more options. ;)

On a completely different note, I was freaking out doing the holding rooms tonight. We have this beyond b*tchy cat who came in as a favor because she bites. She's apparently very aggressive, often barely provoked and she was freaking out tonight before I even touched her ... and she needed to be weighed. I was finally told to not worry about it, that we could do it tomorrow. Of course, then I realized I needed to scruff her anyway to pill her! So, I did. I tossed my hands down on her, scruffed her, pilled her and then weighed that b*tch too! It wasn't as awful as it could have been, I was just so nervous she was going to tear me up. I need to get over that. It's going to happen and hurt and I need to quit avoiding it because it just makes me a wuss. I'm glad I handled that cat tonight. Go me!!

So maybe I won't be doing what I expected tomorrow night, but I'll have yet another big step to accomplish - working solo with the new girl at work. That's a super big responsibility!! I've got to do my job and make sure she's got the other chunk of the night job covered as well. I'm nervous (h*ll, I still feel new myself!), but think I'll be okay.

Random quote for this entry:
"It's so hard to lose the one you love, to finally have to say try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on and all you can do is cry...deep within your heart you know it's time to move on, when the fairy tale you once knew is gone." –Unknown <--- ah, I picked this when preparing to leave me rescue. go figure!


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